Buried Alive Page 22

  “Bryan, did you see who was here?” Michelle glanced at me, motioning me to advance forward. I took a few steps, stopping at the end of his bed. Bryan’s green eyes jerked to me, his body in a constant state of twitching or moving. He watched me, then his mouth opened and he wailed, his arms moving as though he had no control over them. A screech bounced off the walls, piercing my eardrums.

  Fear thumped in my ears, my muscles stiffened, and I tried to keep from jumping backward.

  “Oh, wow.” Michelle moved the dishes away from his flaying hands, letting out a little chuckle. “Someone is excited.”

  This was excited?

  My attention flew from her back to my brother, who flapped his arms and shrieked more loud noises.

  “I’ve never seen him this worked up.” She placed one hand on her hip, shaking her head at him with adoration. “Not even when your parents come to visit. You two must have been close.”

  My teeth gritted together, emotion and noise overwhelming me. He continued to work himself up, his wordless sounds splintering the rest of my heart.

  “I can’t…I can’t do this.” I gasped, my stomach burning with bile. I fled from the room, his cries following me down the hallway, my feet and heart pounding in rhythm, my eyes burning.

  I zipped past the nurses’ station where I had signed in and burst through the doors. I rushed to the end of the parking lot, fell on my knees in the snow, and heaved vomit onto the frozen bushes. My body shook as the tears I had held in streamed down my face, clogging my throat. Sobs wracked my body.

  My brother. My idol. My everything…

  He would hate this. Hate what he had become. Hate what happened to him because he wouldn’t leave my side. It should have been me. They were far enough away to possibly avoid the heaviest current of the avalanche. They feasibly could have escaped if not for me. They could have lived. Been happy.

  No one vocalized it should have been me, but I knew many thought it. I even felt it in my parents’ eyes when they looked at me with their unsaid words. Bryan’s bright future had been ripped away. The golden boy with so many hopes and dreams was stolen away from the world.

  My brother was my best friend, I understood him better than anyone. In my gut, I knew Bryan would have been happier if he had died, which thickened the guilt I carried. I didn’t know how to deal with that idea, to be okay even acknowledging it.

  Snow had given us so much life, but it also had taken it cruelly away.

  I became the girl who survived, the one with the juicy details of the horror that happened. I did survive, but not unscathed. Everyone seemingly forgetting I had lost my brother, my boyfriend, my universe, and my dreams as well. My future had also been ripped away. Everything had been destroyed that night. My body was twisted and broken, but my heart and soul took the most damage. The press hounded me night and day, sensationalizing every detail, strangling the last bits of life from me.

  It should have been me who died on the mountain, instead of this broken shell living a numb and empty half-life. All youthful hope had been purged from me, and I couldn’t handle one more second of being in Brennley’s body and mind. The tortured thoughts of what happened up there haunted me every time I closed my eyes.

  The roar of snow.

  The screams.

  The snapping of bones.

  The silence.

  But no matter how much I boxed her away, Brennley had cracked through, bringing me right back to what I left behind. To the truth I buried so deep, chaining me down.

  Wiping my mouth, I slowly picked myself off the ground, my jeans soaked up to my knees, but I didn’t feel the chill of the ice. I felt the life in it. I glanced back at the “home” my brother would forever inhabit. I would be back. I had so much to say to him. Even if he couldn’t understand, I needed to ask for his forgiveness. And to tell him I had forgiven him.

  With a final look, I got back into my car. There was one more stop I had to make tonight.

  Chapter Forty

  Hannah

  The engine came to a shuddering stop, the wheels crunching over the ice. I scanned the rolling hills, row after row of dark stones sticking up from the ground. The cemetery was void of visitors on this wintry evening. The clog in my throat and the drumming of my heart had returned, my limbs feeling exhausted from the weight they had been carrying for years.

  I gave myself no time to find an excuse, quickly getting out of the car and directing myself toward where Jonah resided. I could never bring myself to come here before. The goodbye my therapist said I needed sat in wait, shading my heart in gloom. The press had shredded me because I hadn’t visited him right away. Every action, or non-action, had been judged and criticized, including how I responded to the tragedy.

  I already lugged enough guilt around, especially with the secret I kept. No one knew the real story. And I let them believe we were all sitting around the fire when the avalanche descended on us. There was enough censure on me for surviving when neither guy really did. The news cast the boys in legendary status. Not that I didn’t put them there myself. They would forever be my heroes, my idols. But there existed far more to the story.

  My parents started hiding the paper, seeing the depression curl me into a corner for days. I wished to be Jonah. He had been the luckier one. It may be sick to think, but his pain ended on the mountain. Bryan and mine kept going and going.

  Years later, Matt and I were watching Harry Potter one night, and I broke down in front of him. The first time he ever saw a slice of the trauma underneath. I brushed it off, changing the conversation, but the line stuck with me, etching across my heart. “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living.” It hit me like someone had kicked me in the chest. The words ringing unbearably true.

  As if each headstone I passed jumped on my back, my knees bent with remorse. I knew only some of Jonah’s ashes were here, his family having sprinkled the other part over the mountains, where he would want to be. Descending the knoll, my body came to a complete stop, my stomach plummeting to my toes.

  A hooded figure stood over a grave, his back to me. But I knew who it was, and my heart pounded in my chest. Part of me wanted to turn back around. Run away from Rhys. From Jonah.

  “No,” I gritted out, curling my fingers with determination. I was done running.

  Rhys stiffened at the sound of footsteps over the frosty ground, as though he knew it was me, but he didn’t turn around. He kept his focus on the grave while I walked up beside him. He held a flask in his hand, nerves twitching along his jaw. “Came to say hi too?” he slurred, his voice taunting. “Hey, Jonah, look who came by for a visit. It’s your girlfriend.” He held up his flask in a cheer to the headstone. “Guess we both got fucked by this one.”

  Anger jolted up my back, descending down my arms. “Don’t. Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?” He jerked his head to me. “Tell the truth?”

  Hurt picked the back of my lids, and I turned my head away from him, my shoulders hunched. “You don’t think I blame myself enough? Every night I hear their screams.” My head swung back around, my eyes locking on his. “I live with the nightmare every second, Rhys. I know you are hurting too…”

  “You don’t know anything about me.” Anger rippled down his shoulders, straining the hoodie he wore. “And I certainly know nothing about you. And I want to keep it that way.”

  “No.” My teeth sawed together. “With you, I have never been more myself, more open. You made me feel alive again.”

  “Open?” He snorted.

  “I may have kept things back, but I never lied to you. Everything we talked about was true. I never felt so free or so happy. With you I was truly myself.”

  “Truly yourself?” He bellowed into the sky. “Are you fucking kidding me? You lied to me about your entire existence,” he spit out. “Do you know how it feels to find out the woman you are screwing like a fiend is the infamous Brennley Evans? Somewhere between walking into my room the first night to bouncing on my dick, yo
u should have mentioned it.” He moved closer. “But you’re right, all I would have seen is the girl who survived when my brother died. Brennley Evans, you sure know how to destroy men.”

  I inhaled, taking a step back, pain coursing through every cell. He leaned closer to my face. “I’ve been in my brother’s shadow my whole life. Jonah could do no wrong. He was loved and adored by everyone. My parents made it no secret they preferred him. Do you know my mother’s grave is right next to his?” He motioned back to the tombs. My heart sank seeing Laura Axton’s name next to Jonah’s. “She had cancer, but the doctors said it was curable. She didn’t have to die from it. But she wanted to. She just fucking gave up. Life was not worth living because her son was dead. She didn’t give a shit her other son still lived... needed her. He wasn’t worth her fight. And my father? He gave up as well. He may still breathe, but he stopped living a long time ago.”

  “Rhys, I am so sorry,” I whispered, feeling the addition of Laura’s death pile on my back. Another life I destroyed.

  “I won’t be someone’s second. I will not go through that anymore... not with you.” He chucked down the flask, the amber liquid painting the snow a deep russet. He flipped around and stalked off.

  “No!” I leaped out grabbing his arm, yanking him back to face me. “You are not walking away from me.”

  He growled, wrenching his arms from my grip, stomping away. “Watch me.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Rhys

  Blinding rage throbbed inside, the alcohol in my system keeping me from feeling the wind leak through my sweatshirt. I heard movement behind me, but before I could respond, a body slammed into the back of me, tumbling me face-first into the snow. Did she just tackle me? That little slip of a girl took me down?

  A mix of fury and hunger wracked through my body, hardening my dick and fluttering anger through my chest. Without thinking, I twisted and grabbed her wrists and rolled her over, my body trapping her under solid muscle. My gaze latched on to hers, and a deep growl vibrated from my chest, restraining her arms. Straddling her, my cock had a mind of its own, pushing against her, wanting to be inside her. Desire flickered over her face, her skin flushed, her breath clipped, her hips slightly rising, grinding back into me.

  A wave of need crashed over me, the need to claim her, fuck her senseless. The jealous, twisted part of me wanted to do it even more right here, next to my brother’s grave as if I finally had something over him.

  But I didn’t. She was his first.

  I rose, tugging her with me and pushed her back into a mausoleum, our breaths melding together, her breasts dragging across my chest. “For once in my life, I’m stepping out of his shadow. I’m not interested in my brother’s hand-me-downs, especially his first love.”

  “His first love?” she sneered. “Then you are perfectly safe with me.” She held my gaze, pushing her body against mine as though she was challenging my rage with her own.

  “What?” My nose wrinkled in confusion. What the hell did she mean by that? I never talked to my brother about her, but between the internet and my parents, it was clear they had been deeply in love. The coverage of them always stressed their close relationship. To the despair of all the girls hoping to catch his attention, he only had eyes for Brennley, never to be seen even slightly flirting with another girl. The circle of three was impermeable.

  Brennley peered to the side, pain flinching over her forehead.

  “What are you talking about?” I stepped back, feeling an odd strain of protectiveness over my brother. “You telling me he cheated on you or something?”

  A strange laugh strangled in her throat, her fingers rubbing at her temples as if she were trying to dislodge a thought.

  “Or was it you? Did you not really love him?” My gaze scanned her, trying to hold on to my view of her as some conniving bitch, but the idea wouldn’t take hold.

  She peered up at me, her lids narrowing. “Screw you.” Her chin tilted up. “I loved him so much.”

  A stab of jealousy wiggled into my core, and I took another step back. “Then what did you mean?”

  She shook her head, scanning back over the graves, tears dotting her lashes like diamonds. I could almost feel the misery and heartache heaving from her chest. Suddenly it wasn’t anger pushing me for answers, it was fear. As though a veil had dropped away from her, I could sense a secret she held close, weighing her down.

  “What?” I shifted on my feet. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  She ignored my question, continuing to stare out into the darkening sky, the snow fluttering down so fast it covered our boots in heavy flakes. The cold brushed her nose and cheeks with pink.

  “Hannah?” My voice softened, but her eyes filled with more unshed tears. I could tell I was losing her to her memories. To whatever happened up on the mountain.

  I reached out grabbing her arm, but she slipped away, breaking free of my hold.

  “I should go. I’m sorry…for all the pain I caused you. Jesus… For everything,” she whispered, striding for the main path. It was my turn to leap for her. The thought of her walking away from me, stirred panic, anger, and an emotion I was not ready to contemplate yet, deep in me.

  “Fuck. No.” I halted her in place, turning her around to face me. “You don’t get to walk away from me. You owe me that.” The softness in my voice evaporated, my hold on her tightening. “There’s more to what happened, isn’t there? What are you not telling me?”

  “Nothing.” She tried to pull away.

  “Bullshit,” I thundered, my shoulders rising. “What happened? What were you hinting at earlier? I deserve to know the truth.”

  Her chest heaved in and out, which inflicted more dread down the back of my throat, sliding and winding like a carnival ride.

  “Tell me!” I demanded, desperation rallying my anger.

  “He didn’t love me,” she screamed, shoving me away. “Is this what you want to hear? That he broke my heart that night. And then he died. Because of me.”

  My mouth parted, but nothing came out.

  “They died because of me. Because I ran off. I was so hurt…” Her voice rang with anger, her face fierce as tears tumbled down her cheeks, her body trembling. “They shattered me. And then I obliterated them. It should have been me alone. Then none of this would have happened. Your mother would still be alive.” She waved toward the grave next to Jonah’s. “Your brother... My brother wouldn’t be in a home for the rest of his life being spoon fed.” A sob croaked through. “It should have been me who died up there.”

  Instinct took over and I drew her to me, her arms flying, trying to push me away. I crushed her against my chest. She fought me, but my arms circled around her tighter. I was afraid if I let go, she would splinter apart. Up till this moment, I hadn’t even considered how much pain and guilt she must be going through; I’d been absorbed with how all this had affected me. My anguish was deep, but I couldn’t imagine the horror she dealt with. I only had images the press and my parents crafted in my mind. She had the reality. My guilt and shame had locked me in a bubble for years. Hers had to be torture.

  I didn’t even think, my lips brushing the top of her head. Her muscles unraveled, and she fell into me, nestling deeper into my arms. I held her as the years of agony begun to flee, free of their prison. The snow fell around us, the night claiming the last bits of light. A few streetlamps ignited, casting eerie shadows over the tombs. But I wrapped her in more tightly, not caring about the elements around us.

  I wanted to hate her. To walk away. But from the moment I met her I had felt this connection. We were kindred spirits.

  After a while the tears ebbed, and she sighed. “He used me.” She pressed her ear to my ribs and shuddered, looking back at Jonah’s grave, his name dimmed in snow and darkness. “It was all a lie.”

  “What was?” I couldn’t seem to let her go, the feel of her body, her warmth, created a peace in me I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

  “Us.” She gulpe
d, pulling back from me, her focus still on Jonah’s grave. This time I stayed quiet, sensing she needed a moment to gather her thoughts.

  “He loved me, but not the way I loved him.” Her head rattled back and forth. “I was such a fool. There were so many signs, but I ignored them all.”

  My fingers grazed her arm, and she clasped tightly to me, as if she needed a life raft to hold her to the present as her past tried to take her under.

  “He was in love with somebody else.” She swallowed. “And I found them together that night. The secret no one knows is what really happened up there.”

  “He seriously cheated on you?” My mind tried to wrap around the images I had in my head of watching them together the week I was here. All I saw was the three of them together, the love and fierce loyalty had strung threads of jealousy through me. I had never been close to Jonah, but the one thing I knew was he wasn’t a cheater. “It doesn’t make sense. I’m sure my brother loved you.”

  “He did.” She smiled softly, nodding. “As a sister.”

  Confusion furrowed my brow. I had watched him kiss her. Constantly hugging her.

  “He loved someone other than me.”

  “Who?” A trickle of acid went down my throat, feeling a tug on my gut. “Who did you find him with?”

  She lifted her chin and rolled her shoulders back, her blue eyes burning intensely into mine.

  “Hannah.”

  Her jaw twitched, her eyes flashing, the secret wanting to stay locked up as it had been for the last nine years.